ANALYSING ROOT EMOTIONS - By Shohrat Shankar

Emotional Intelligence is based on the principle of Emotional Awareness, along with others.

Being aware of one’s own emotions is critical for just about everything. From your Self Esteem to relations with others and your success and progress. In fact your happiness depends on how aware you are of your emotions. On how much you know and truly understand why you feel the way you feel.

In this article I plan to illustrate how Emotional Awareness impacts your Self Regard, Self-Actualization and thus everything else in your life.

Over the years I have conducted numerous workshops on “Relationship Management” where I have a short section on Emotional Awareness and many of my observations are from there.

Positive & Negative Emotions

I normally start the session with asking people to list some emotions. Before they start I ask for some examples and in 8 cases out of 10 I hear ‘Anger’ or ‘Fear’ being said first.

Most people are not able to list beyond 8 emotions. The most common ones are: Anger, Sadness, Fear, Happiness, Love, Joy, Frustration, irritation and Jealousy.

One thing I notice every time is that we tend to list more negative emotions than positive, sadly often “Love” comes in way down on the list. I often wonder why it is so and on delving further and asking people I found that people tend to register the negative emotions they feel while mostly ignoring the positive feelings in the day. 

You might have noticed, when you asked somebody how their day went you will either hear a neutral response “OK” or if somebody had a bad day then they will say it. The percentage of people who say they’ve had a ‘great day’ is relatively smaller, in fact it takes a major positive event for most people to say they had a “Great Day”, on the other hand, it doesn’t take much for people to label the day “Bad”. Is it true that most of our days are either “Bad” or “OK” and very few “Great”? Or is it more likely that we tend not to register the small positive emotions that we feel in a day?

So 2 important factors to remember are:

• “Am I focusing on enough positive things around me or only the negative emotions?”

• “Do I register the small-small nice things or positives that people do or do I fixate on the few things that they did not do?”

The answer to these questions tells me whether I look for Happiness and positivity in whatever I do. It tells me whether I am a happiness magnet or not.

Root Emotions

The second thought I drive is the need to understand and analyse the real reason or cause for my emotion. Similar to doing a root cause analysis in, it is often important to do the same for our behaviour and emotions. Let me try and illustrate with an example.

Let’s say that in a meeting with my colleagues and boss a task is assigned to me and immediately a colleague of mine asks if I need any help. Citing an example where I had failed in a situation when I had done it on my own.

Now many people here would be happy and graciously accept or decline the offer. However, some people would get upset and feel there was an underlying reason for the colleague to offer support in front of the boss.

Some might feel he was doing it to appear like a good team player in front of the boss and others might think he wanted to put me down in front of the others. 

The important thing for me to analyse is “Why” or “What” is making me feel that way? What is the real reason for the reaction?

In order to understand my root or real reason for reacting I need to look at the following A-B-C-C model.

A – Activating event (Colleague offers to help)

B – Belief (He’s trying to put me down, He’s trying to show his competence over mine in front of the boss)

C – Consequence (I react and get upset either in the meeting room or later start to distance myself from the colleague)

C – Challenge 

In order for me to change the Consequence I need to Challenge & Understand my beliefs and the cause for my belief.

When challenging I need to ask myself, Am I sure he is trying to put me down? Does he do this often? Does he also sometimes just willingly offer his hand in assistance? Have I seen him doing this with others?

The answers to these questions will help one rationalise the beliefs and one might realise that probably he could really want to help.

Then it is important to understand the reason for your beliefs. Is it that you really feel scared of doing this task alone? Do you doubt your own competency in fulfilling this task? Do you feel that the colleague is really more competent than you? 

Often we are unwilling to accept the reality of the answers to the above questions and unless we dig deep to understand and accept the reality we might never be able to understand our real emotions and will never be able to challenge the beliefs that cause us to react.

So understand the real reason for the Belief to know why you feel the way you feel and thus react the way you react.

Happy 69th Independence Day India

E mere vatan ke logo,

jara aankh me bhar lo paani,

jo shahid hue hai unki, jara yaad karo kurbani...

This song was meant for those brave souls who fought for our freedom over sixty decades ago. Soldiers, revolutionaries, freedom fighters to whom we owe our freedom and to whom we shall always be indebted.

On the occasion of our 69^th Independence Day, we at Search 4 Excellence want to devote a few words to the incredible men who won us our freedom and to those who are protecting it to this day.

We salute all our heroes: Mahatma Gandhi, Pandit Jawahar Lal Nehru, Shaheed Bhagat Singh, Sukhdev, Rajguru, Bal Gangadhar Tilak and many more who won that Independence for us.

We are also be very grateful to Dr. B.R. Ambedkar, who made the Indian Constitution which describes our rights and duties and most importantly our freedom of expression.

We salute the inspiring and moving speech of our First Prime Minister Pandit Jawahar Lal Nehru.

“Long years ago we made a tryst with destiny, and now the time comes when we shall redeem our pledge, not wholly or in full measure, but very substantially. At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom. A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends, and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance. It is fitting that at this solemn moment, we take the pledge of dedication to the service of India and her people and to the still larger cause of humanity.”

We salute the soldiers who fought the 1947/1948 war with Pakistan

 

We salute the soldiers who fought the 1962 Sino-Indian war with China

 We salute the soldiers who fought the 1965 war against Pakistan

We salute the soldiers who fought the 1971 war for the liberation of Bangladesh (East Pakistan then)

We salute the soldiers who fought the 1999 Kargil war

We salute the soldiers and men who protected us during the 25/11 Mumbai attacks

We salute the soldiers and men who protected us during the 2010 German Bakery attacks 

“and when all the wars are over, a butterfly will still be beautiful.” ― Ruskin Bond, Scenes from a Writer's Life

And so is India!! Still beautiful, still thriving, still developing and flourishing. And we hope, pray and firmly believe that we will continue down this path in the future so that the following vision of Rabindranath Tagore is fulfilled.

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake

Jai Hind Jai Bharat.

IT'S YOUR CHOICE- By Eva Chawla

Your life is a result of the choices you make. If you don’t like your life, it’s time to start making better choices because in the end, we only regret the choices we didn’t make.

Most people may disagree with or even reject the above statement. The idea that each person’s life is directly proportional to the choices they have made is not easily digested. Most of us feel life is completely fated or it’s only the lucky few who actually get to enjoy it. It’s this feeling that gives self-assurance that we are not to blame for our current situation and that we are just pawns in a never ending chess game. Well, in this brief blog I’m going to show you how your life is what you have made it and as you realize this you can take the necessary steps to change the outcomes of your future.

A friend of mine once told me, “it would be so wonderful if our life was like the movie ‘Zindagi Na Melaigi Dobara’” and I said “It can be if you choose it to be.” it’s a statement that shook him to the core of his being. He gave me a list of reasons why the choice is out of his hands: my parents, financial situations, sister’s marriage, starting a new business, obligations to others. Just like my friend we can all relate to these reasons and hence feel our life is not controlled by us. It is not uncommon for us to be a self-saboteur and compound that with a victim mentality; this is a choice we make as well. But let me tell you one thing, if we start making choices that benefit us along with others, we will start achieving pinnacles of success we never dreamed possible.

Let’s look at how we currently make choices: say we have an aggressive boss who is super negative and only likes the sound of his own voice. What would we do in this situation? What is the choice we make? Well for most of us the choice is not even a choice, we must continue to endure the cruelty of this bull of a boss. After enduring an entire day of unhappiness we go home only feeling distraught with work and life. The bottom line: if we hold our breath and then blame others of our inability to breath, the result is only us losing consciousness.

The simple fact is, life doesn’t get better by chance; it gets better by choice. So if you are unhappy about your boss, change the way you feel or the way you think or the place you are or the way you work or the work itself or try to build a relationship with the person who causes you discomfort. The world is our oyster, we can chose the number and type of pearls we wish to have. There is no clear cut answer to any problem; there is no clear cut choice; there is only what makes us happy and making good choices that support that feeling. Life is a Roller Coaster and through its ups and downs, we can either chose to scream or enjoy the ride.

Consider this: with Choice comes Freedom; with Freedom comes Responsibility and with Responsibility comes a Choice.  The choice is always in your hands and you alone carry the responsibility for your life. Do you want to live your life from where you were yesterday or from where you want to be tomorrow? Let’s use a simple model to aid us make better choices with no regrets and reclaim the life we truly want to live.

Every Action or Choice we make has a consequence and every consequence comes with both desired and undesired effects.

Let take an example: You and you colleague had joined your organization at the same time 2yrs back. Both of you are equally qualified, skilled and knowledgeable. Both of you want to grow fast in the organization. However only one of you can get a promotion. Your colleague (who is single), knowing this starts taking on more work and spending longer hours at the office to complete his new responsibilities. Now you have a choice: taking on more work like him or decide to go home on time for you family.

What would you do in this situation? If you decide to go home, because you family comes first, that is a choice you have made

Desired Effect: spending quality time with your family, we can have work life balance, life is not all about work, able to start fresh the next morning

Undesired Effect: your colleague gets a promotion faster than you.

Some of us will chose to go home and then complain when that colleague gets promoted over us. Some of us will feel forced to stay longer hours and take on more responsibilities and then complain that work is becoming our entire life. Happiness is not based on making choices out of fear or insecurity. Happiness comes when we make choices based on what holds important to us in life. So if family is more important, make choices that support that priority, then be willing to digest both the positive and negative consequences of that decision.

Another situation: Say your boss asks you to prepare for a big presentation that will take place the next day. Your Choice: to prepare the presentation or not. This is an easy choice, we will chose preparing the presentation. Now let’s throw another element in this choice. Just as you sit to prepare, your closest friend come to your place and shows you tickets to a movie you have been longing to see. Here comes the major choice: to prepare for the presentation and not go for the movie or postpone the preparation for after the movie.

Almost everyone will choose going for the movie first, as we convince ourselves we have a lot of time and can easily work on the presentation after the movie. Let’s look at the desired and undesired effect of going for the movie first.

Desired Effect: we build on the relationship, reduce on the days stress, have some fun and entertainment and even building on some creative ideas for the presentation.

Undesired Effect: reduced time for the actual preparation, lack of sleep due to working late into the night, increased stress about the next day and the extent of content in the presentation, inability to call any person for clarification due to the late hours, increased stage fear the next day, insecurity about the outcome of the presentation and even cursing the friend for showing up at the worst possible moment.

Now if had chosen the presentation instead of the movie, all that would have happened is that we would not have ‘Fun’ or be ‘Entertained’ and all the undesired effects would move into the desired side.

Have we every told ourselves, ‘I wish I had known this earlier, I would not have made the same choice’ or ‘ I wish I could turn back time and change my choice’. Well we all know we can’t turn back time, but this action consequence model will help us evaluating the desired and undesired effects of any difficult choice we need to make.

However, even after careful evaluation we still chose to go for the movie first, we need to deal with the negative consequences as we would have made a conscientious decision.

It’s your Choice!!

Scaling my Everest: Overcoming Stammering and Stage Fear

Though there are over 70 Million people who stammer and stutter and many million more who have stage fear, while growing up I felt I was the only one. Like so many others I felt lonely, ashamed, embarrassed, inferior and completely lacked Self-Esteem.

For as long as I can remember I stammered, sometimes slightly and at other times I would freeze and totally give up. I would want to hide and not speak to people at all. I avoided people in corridors and on the phone, because I was scared of stammering and stuttering when I spoke with them. In fact, I would walk the other way on seeing someone I need to wish. 

Saying “G..G…G…G…G…G…G..G….G…. good M..M..Morning” was no fun at all.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think, that one day, I would be a public speaker and make a living addressing many people.

Well, Let me tell you how I Scaled my Everest:

I was a shy, timid little kid who stammered whenever put in a spot or in the limelight. For years I wondered whether that shy, timid little kid who stammered, was shy and timid because he stammered or stammered because he was shy and timid??

Is it the problem that creates the mind-set or the mind-set that creates the problem?

While growing up I made myself believe the former and therein lay the problem; however, my life turned around the day I began to believe the latter.

 The 98-2% Principle

This is the Belief Principle that guides all the others. Without this belief no other holds ground. So what do I mean by this.

Well simply put….. 98% of all obstacles and problems are in the head, and the real problem is just 2%. 

It starts with your own belief in being able to overcome that mental obstacle in front of you. Once you truly believe, then 98% of the work is done and the rest remains in executing and following through on your belief.

Of course this is easier said than done, one needs to maintain the belief through all difficulties, failures and challenges one faces en route. 

Sometimes one can do everything right and still not see the light at the end of the tunnel, and here is where one needs to keep the faith and “bash on regardless”. 

Explore other ways of overcoming what’s in front, not because you have a ready-made solution to fix it, but as you believe it can be done.

Positive Self-Talk and Brainwashing

Once the first barrier of the mind is conquered one needs to build Self-confidence and belief in oneself. Many people say that confidence is the key to it all; however, very few talk about how to build it.

If I were to suddenly ask you the following questions:

• What makes you important

• What makes you competent

• What makes you likable

• What makes you successful

How long would it take you to answer these questions?

The trick is in making yourself aware of your strengths and also building on them by creating action plans to make oneself more Important, Competent, Likable & Successful.

Are they at the tip of your tongue? 

The fact is that most of us spend far too much time and energy focusing on the other end of the spectrum. 

We tend to ask ourselves 

“Why am I not important to them? 

Why am I not able to do……..? 

Why doesn’t he / she like me? 

Why don’t things go my way?”

The answers to these questions are normally de-motivating and demoralizing.

It is important for each one of us to remind ourselves and build on the following affirmation statements:

• I am important because……
• I am competent because…..
• I am likable because……..
• I am successful because…….

So how this work is, maintain a diary and every week write down what you did that made you more important, competent, likable or successful. If you don’t have anything to write, don’t lose hope instead create an action plan for how you will better answer these questions next week. Thus, building on strengths and finally confidence.

Now, whenever you are low on confidence or need a “Pick me up”, all you need to do is read your diary and I guarantee you will get a boost. 

This method of constantly reminding oneself of one’s strengths using affirmation statements is called Positive Self-talk and brainwashing yourself to look at the strengths in you.

Speaking slowly and pausing

The next step is to reduce your rate of speech and ensure that you have a slow and measured way of talking. 

• Start with some reading practice and bring your rate of speech down to at least 140 words per minute.

Some of the best orators like Narendra Modi, Barack Obama, Martin Luther King Jr, Adolf Hitler, Sushma Swaraj, Atal Bihari Vajpayee, etc are a perfect example of slow measured speech, using pausing and pace for effect.

While this helps with overall impact of the way a person speaks and sounds, it gives a person time to think ahead and plan what he or she is saying.

Most people who stammer and stutter are usually trying to say things in a hurry lest they forget. This way of speaking tends to become a habit and thus our words have a tendency to come out tumbling and stumbling over each other. 

Just imagine if all the students in a school decide to come charging out of a single door the moment the school bell rings. 

Can you envision a scenario where there are many kids stuck in a doorway? 

Well that’s exactly what happens to our speech when everything tries to come out at once.

The best ways to reduce the speed or Rate of Speech is 

• To practice reading children’s books. 
• Add the drama and expression in the story, as that reduces the speed even further
• Time yourself and be happy once you start reading consistently at about 120 words. 
• If you read at 120 you might bring speech down to about 140-150.
• To be able to effectively do this the last point plays a critical role.

Effective Breathing

The average person takes about 15-18 breaths in a minute. Try it without consciously slowing down.

• The aim is to be able to bring it down to 3-4 and average it out to about 7-8.
• Reducing your rate of speech is directly related with your breathing pattern. 
• Instead of trying to say all we can in a breath, we should use our pauses and punctuation for breathing; short breaths at comas and longer breaths at full stops.
• A stutter normally occurs when the vocal chords are stressed and stiff. Effective and regular breathing reduces stress in the body and vocal chords. 
• Whenever one gets stuck or feels a stammer or stutter coming, take a short pause, a deep breath and you will immediately feel the body and vocal chords relax, thus, freeing the voice.
• Good deep breaths also help in providing oxygen to the brain. When we are stiff and not breathing freely the mind tends to go blank due a lack of oxygen to the brain.
• Yoga breathing techniques are very helpful in creating a good breathing pattern and rhythm.

These points are not the only things that I did or feel are needed to overcome stammering and stage fear. 
However, I do feel these are the most important and critical, and were instrumental in me “Scaling my Everest”. In fact the first 2 points are universal to overcoming any obstacle or challenge in life.

So what is your Everest? What is holding you back? What do you want to achieve?

Do you need someone to talk you through it? 

Connect with me and I can share more insights on overcoming any challenges you might have.