Letting go of Control - By Eva Chawla

When you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing, sometimes letting go actually means having control. I’m sure the moment you have read this, you feel confused; how can letting go of control actually mean having it? Surrendering to what is, letting go of what was and having faith in what will be is the crux of our blog today.

Each person’s level of control differs and is primarily based on Extrinsic factors: The person your environment has molded you into or Nurture has endowed you with. This environment can be your family, friends, education, culture or your own interpretation of past life events. Based on these factors we design our own reality of control. For most of us this reality is kept in check when we believe a situation is working towards our expectations. However the real trouble come’s when we set expectation (whether real or unreal) about the present or future that does not seem to materialize. Its then that the little control monster living inside comes alive and decides to take measures that end up making the situation worse.

Let’s take a step back to evaluate why this happens; why do we hold on to things thinking ‘if I hold tight enough, it will come true’? Holding on to things and not surrendering to what is only creates a future that’s more messed up and validates your need to control eve n further (then we have a nervous breakdown).  It’s when we reach the absolute bottom and our life has spun so much out of control (control being the very thing we were trying to do in the first place) that we realize, things can’t be pushed or controlled. 

Say today I had the power to get whatever I wanted and all I want is an elephant, but the room I have is just big enough to sustain me and I’m not aware of that. What do you think would happen to me, my room and the elephant if this desire came true just because I wished it? Well I would get crushed and my house would be in shambles and in all probability I would blame the confused elephant for all my troubles. In reality I can’t wish things into existence, so I end up controlling my life and thoughts so much just to bring that elephant into reality. My control ends up tunneling my vision and clouding my judgment. All good things do happen with time and everything does happen for a reason. So there could be a reason behind me not getting my elephant that I may currently not be aware of.

Control is basically persistence without evaluation or introspection. So if you feel like things are not working out and people have started calling you obsessed or a control freak, you need to step back and evaluate yourself. When one door closes another opens, but if I’m so fixated on that one door I don’t see the opportunity of two elephants waiting for me behind the next.

So let me tell you 4 facts that a control freak like me accepted in order to become a recovering control freak:

• Fact 1: no one has control over the outcome of any situation 

• Fact 2:  No one can control how the other person feels, thinks, says or behaves

• Fact 3: Fear, uncertainty, self-doubt, ego/pride and lack of trust is food to

the controller inside.

• Fact 4: You only have control over what you feel, think, say and behave

Steps to becoming a recovering Control Freak:

1. Address the Causes of control taking over: Having working parents, I was

taught long ago to be self-sufficient. I started working after the age of 15 and looked after myself more often than never. Where on the positive side it made me a grown up faster and progress in my career at a very early age, it also showed me that I was the only one who could get the work done. It made me believe that ‘it was me against the world’ and only I could make my own reality. This actually made me lose trust in people and exponentially increased my pride and self-worth. So along with that, my fear of being obsolete increased as well; I used to think to myself ‘If I let go, what’s my purpose’. Each one of us would have experiences that made us into control freaks we are today. But its only after I addressed the causes of my insecurities, that I realized most of it was in my head

2. Ask yourself what would happen if…: My husband who then

was my boyfriend of many years asked me ‘What would happen if you let go?’. So I narrated a list of situations that would happen if I surrendered my control. His only response to most of them was “Really?”. I was still not convinced that my control was wrong. But when you have someone asking you ‘Really?’ enough number of times, you start asking yourself the question “What would happen if..?” before taking an action. Hence m y next step becomes really important: A buddy to remind you that you would still be valued even if you let go. Life carries on and your reality expands from a tunneled view to something that actually helps you grow as a human being.

3. The buddy system: It has taken me 5 plus years to become a recovering

control freak. This recovery would not be possible without a great support system who reminded me regularly to let go. It was not just my husband that helped me; my boss and even my team. I am sure any manager reading this must be wondering, ‘How can your team help you let go of control’. It is difficult only for 2 reasons: 1. Perception of losing one’s position and respect 2. Perception of not being required. At the end of the day, it’s a perception that stops you, because if it were a reality we would not have teams, organizations or the need for friends and family. But let me tell you one thing through experience: respect, position and being required is earned and not forced upon. The moment I allowed myself to let go, they stopped fearing me and we actually could call ourselves a team.

4. Identify the positives of letting go: This last step is an affirmation on

the reasons to continue letting go. Make a note of all the positives you have received personally, emotionally and mentally with letting go. Writing things down affirms your reasons for reformation.

There you have it my friends, the recipe to Letting go of Control and truly experiencing life.

Happy 69th Independence Day India

E mere vatan ke logo,

jara aankh me bhar lo paani,

jo shahid hue hai unki, jara yaad karo kurbani...

This song was meant for those brave souls who fought for our freedom over sixty decades ago. Soldiers, revolutionaries, freedom fighters to whom we owe our freedom and to whom we shall always be indebted.

On the occasion of our 69^th Independence Day, we at Search 4 Excellence want to devote a few words to the incredible men who won us our freedom and to those who are protecting it to this day.

We salute all our heroes: Mahatma Gandhi, Pandit Jawahar Lal Nehru, Shaheed Bhagat Singh, Sukhdev, Rajguru, Bal Gangadhar Tilak and many more who won that Independence for us.

We are also be very grateful to Dr. B.R. Ambedkar, who made the Indian Constitution which describes our rights and duties and most importantly our freedom of expression.

We salute the inspiring and moving speech of our First Prime Minister Pandit Jawahar Lal Nehru.

“Long years ago we made a tryst with destiny, and now the time comes when we shall redeem our pledge, not wholly or in full measure, but very substantially. At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom. A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends, and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance. It is fitting that at this solemn moment, we take the pledge of dedication to the service of India and her people and to the still larger cause of humanity.”

We salute the soldiers who fought the 1947/1948 war with Pakistan

 

We salute the soldiers who fought the 1962 Sino-Indian war with China

 We salute the soldiers who fought the 1965 war against Pakistan

We salute the soldiers who fought the 1971 war for the liberation of Bangladesh (East Pakistan then)

We salute the soldiers who fought the 1999 Kargil war

We salute the soldiers and men who protected us during the 25/11 Mumbai attacks

We salute the soldiers and men who protected us during the 2010 German Bakery attacks 

“and when all the wars are over, a butterfly will still be beautiful.” ― Ruskin Bond, Scenes from a Writer's Life

And so is India!! Still beautiful, still thriving, still developing and flourishing. And we hope, pray and firmly believe that we will continue down this path in the future so that the following vision of Rabindranath Tagore is fulfilled.

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake

Jai Hind Jai Bharat.

Scaling my Everest: Overcoming Stammering and Stage Fear

Though there are over 70 Million people who stammer and stutter and many million more who have stage fear, while growing up I felt I was the only one. Like so many others I felt lonely, ashamed, embarrassed, inferior and completely lacked Self-Esteem.

For as long as I can remember I stammered, sometimes slightly and at other times I would freeze and totally give up. I would want to hide and not speak to people at all. I avoided people in corridors and on the phone, because I was scared of stammering and stuttering when I spoke with them. In fact, I would walk the other way on seeing someone I need to wish. 

Saying “G..G…G…G…G…G…G..G….G…. good M..M..Morning” was no fun at all.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think, that one day, I would be a public speaker and make a living addressing many people.

Well, Let me tell you how I Scaled my Everest:

I was a shy, timid little kid who stammered whenever put in a spot or in the limelight. For years I wondered whether that shy, timid little kid who stammered, was shy and timid because he stammered or stammered because he was shy and timid??

Is it the problem that creates the mind-set or the mind-set that creates the problem?

While growing up I made myself believe the former and therein lay the problem; however, my life turned around the day I began to believe the latter.

 The 98-2% Principle

This is the Belief Principle that guides all the others. Without this belief no other holds ground. So what do I mean by this.

Well simply put….. 98% of all obstacles and problems are in the head, and the real problem is just 2%. 

It starts with your own belief in being able to overcome that mental obstacle in front of you. Once you truly believe, then 98% of the work is done and the rest remains in executing and following through on your belief.

Of course this is easier said than done, one needs to maintain the belief through all difficulties, failures and challenges one faces en route. 

Sometimes one can do everything right and still not see the light at the end of the tunnel, and here is where one needs to keep the faith and “bash on regardless”. 

Explore other ways of overcoming what’s in front, not because you have a ready-made solution to fix it, but as you believe it can be done.

Positive Self-Talk and Brainwashing

Once the first barrier of the mind is conquered one needs to build Self-confidence and belief in oneself. Many people say that confidence is the key to it all; however, very few talk about how to build it.

If I were to suddenly ask you the following questions:

• What makes you important

• What makes you competent

• What makes you likable

• What makes you successful

How long would it take you to answer these questions?

The trick is in making yourself aware of your strengths and also building on them by creating action plans to make oneself more Important, Competent, Likable & Successful.

Are they at the tip of your tongue? 

The fact is that most of us spend far too much time and energy focusing on the other end of the spectrum. 

We tend to ask ourselves 

“Why am I not important to them? 

Why am I not able to do……..? 

Why doesn’t he / she like me? 

Why don’t things go my way?”

The answers to these questions are normally de-motivating and demoralizing.

It is important for each one of us to remind ourselves and build on the following affirmation statements:

• I am important because……
• I am competent because…..
• I am likable because……..
• I am successful because…….

So how this work is, maintain a diary and every week write down what you did that made you more important, competent, likable or successful. If you don’t have anything to write, don’t lose hope instead create an action plan for how you will better answer these questions next week. Thus, building on strengths and finally confidence.

Now, whenever you are low on confidence or need a “Pick me up”, all you need to do is read your diary and I guarantee you will get a boost. 

This method of constantly reminding oneself of one’s strengths using affirmation statements is called Positive Self-talk and brainwashing yourself to look at the strengths in you.

Speaking slowly and pausing

The next step is to reduce your rate of speech and ensure that you have a slow and measured way of talking. 

• Start with some reading practice and bring your rate of speech down to at least 140 words per minute.

Some of the best orators like Narendra Modi, Barack Obama, Martin Luther King Jr, Adolf Hitler, Sushma Swaraj, Atal Bihari Vajpayee, etc are a perfect example of slow measured speech, using pausing and pace for effect.

While this helps with overall impact of the way a person speaks and sounds, it gives a person time to think ahead and plan what he or she is saying.

Most people who stammer and stutter are usually trying to say things in a hurry lest they forget. This way of speaking tends to become a habit and thus our words have a tendency to come out tumbling and stumbling over each other. 

Just imagine if all the students in a school decide to come charging out of a single door the moment the school bell rings. 

Can you envision a scenario where there are many kids stuck in a doorway? 

Well that’s exactly what happens to our speech when everything tries to come out at once.

The best ways to reduce the speed or Rate of Speech is 

• To practice reading children’s books. 
• Add the drama and expression in the story, as that reduces the speed even further
• Time yourself and be happy once you start reading consistently at about 120 words. 
• If you read at 120 you might bring speech down to about 140-150.
• To be able to effectively do this the last point plays a critical role.

Effective Breathing

The average person takes about 15-18 breaths in a minute. Try it without consciously slowing down.

• The aim is to be able to bring it down to 3-4 and average it out to about 7-8.
• Reducing your rate of speech is directly related with your breathing pattern. 
• Instead of trying to say all we can in a breath, we should use our pauses and punctuation for breathing; short breaths at comas and longer breaths at full stops.
• A stutter normally occurs when the vocal chords are stressed and stiff. Effective and regular breathing reduces stress in the body and vocal chords. 
• Whenever one gets stuck or feels a stammer or stutter coming, take a short pause, a deep breath and you will immediately feel the body and vocal chords relax, thus, freeing the voice.
• Good deep breaths also help in providing oxygen to the brain. When we are stiff and not breathing freely the mind tends to go blank due a lack of oxygen to the brain.
• Yoga breathing techniques are very helpful in creating a good breathing pattern and rhythm.

These points are not the only things that I did or feel are needed to overcome stammering and stage fear. 
However, I do feel these are the most important and critical, and were instrumental in me “Scaling my Everest”. In fact the first 2 points are universal to overcoming any obstacle or challenge in life.

So what is your Everest? What is holding you back? What do you want to achieve?

Do you need someone to talk you through it? 

Connect with me and I can share more insights on overcoming any challenges you might have.