Self expression: By Shruti Nair

“When words become unclear, I shall focus with my camera. When images become inadequate, I shall tune in to my guitar and when the strings break, I shall resort to the language of silence”

As kids we were never worried about what we say. If you really observe children you’ll find that they don’t let social etiquettes or the feeling of not hurting the other person get in between their self expression. As we grow, learn more about the world, bag new experiences, we begin to limit ourselves when communicating with people.

Although some of us still have our younger self inside us and don’t fear or embarrass speaking our mind out. These people are often regarded as rude, insensitive but then what they really are, are a breath of fresh air in a world of constant guessing, contemplation and miscommunication.

There is another kind of expression that is wrongly presented as self-expression, the kind we use in media. Our thoughts, words, when speaking in a public medium, are often dependent on ‘what’s in trend’. Let’s not even get to the internet scammers or bullies; but even the general public who hardly post their opinion on trending topics, when they speak of their personal lives, are often analyzing, over analyzing if their ‘self-expression fits the right cut. Any restricted form of expression will not bear the feeling of being connected with one’s inner self, same as a self-expression will have.

To get down to really understanding what stops us from communicating our true thoughts, one must introspect on the famous quote of self-expression i.e. “self-expression must pass into communication for its fulfillment”.

Now, there are many ways one uses other forms of art for expression of one’s thoughts. Where some use painting, writing, music, others use riding, social service, cooking etc. using a productive medium to communicate one’s thoughts is the best way to deal with life’s unpredictable nature.

Speak the Truth when needed

Very often we leave a conversation feeling we didn’t say what we wanted to say or we fantasize about what we could’ve said. Learn to understand what stops you from speaking your mind in a conversation and work towards overcoming it. Speaking your mind politely and with sensitivity takes a lot of patience and practice.

Don’t find, but, define yourself

People often say, “I need to find my true self”. Well, you are living your “true self” every day. It’s not another person or an event but something you define within you. Hence, think deep and hard about how you would truly define yourself? A person’s experience of life is what defines them and their inner most self, it is expressed through the activities one mostly invests ones time in. So, first define your qualities and then the actions that truly define you.

Learn your choice of art

We all have our ways of expressing; it’s the one thing which makes us really satisfied. Observe what you do after you have had an unsatisfied conversation with someone. Do you listen to music? Do you watch movies? Do you start cooking? Do you pick up a pen and start writing? It may not be immediately but you will know when it happens. This will be your way of expressing which needs to be inculcated in your routine.

Take time to know yourself

How many of us really take some personal time out and think about ourselves? Do you really know what makes you angry? What is that one value that you will not compromise upon? What makes you truly happy?

Take time out and introspect on who you really are and define yourself. It makes things easier for you and people around you to live in harmony.

Pursue your Passion

We often mull over not being happy with what we do or not finding our passion. But passion is something you would have to already be doing; else it’s not your passion. There are some activities that we effortlessly do better than others. That’s where we should look for passion. I had a friend who mulled over not finding a job in engineering for 2 years but jumped with excitement when he got any animation assignment. Most of us would find it a tedious job but he did it quite effortlessly and skillfully. There are many such activities we do, and not realize that our passion has been staring at us all along.

Think about what a peaceful place this world would be if we all found our way of expressing!

Leadership- Nature or Nurture - By Shohrat Shankar

I have spent many years researching “Leadership qualities” by attending programs, reading various authors, articles, studying models, having intense discussions with some people (especially my father) and finally consolidating them into a 12 point list. Though everyone might not agree with this list, I feel there would not be many who would completely disagree.

The qualities are listed below:

Passion
Honesty & Integrity

Visionary

Empowering

Optimism

Role model

Engaging

Influencing

Empathy

Learning Mindset

Flexibility

Self- awareness

The question however is; are people born leaders? Or can Leadership be developed?

Many people say that we have certain qualities or personalities and no matter what we do, these qualities cannot be changed. This is the eternal debate between Nature vs Nurture.

The point though is that can we nurture a child to have a head start with some Leadership traits?

Can we Nurture a child to have:

• Passion for things that he does?

• Honesty & Integrity ingrained as a part of life?

• More optimism and courage to take things into their own hands and be the “Masters of their own fate”? 

• A dogged and persevering approach to convincing and influencing people?

I believe that some of these traits might be natural; however, need to be developed and nurtured. If not done, then a child with potential might never fulfil his or her destiny.

Passion

Do we as parents let our children explore their passions, do we help them choose and chase what they desire? Or is it what “we” desire? 

Do we demonstrate and inspire them by showing how passionate we are about things? Can they see the Passion for achievement, success and most importantly “Life”, in all that we do?

Or do they see someone working hard and toiling listlessly, not knowing what they are aiming for?

Do they see fun, excitement and enthusiasm in our eyes when we talk about our work or the drudgery, fatigue and stress? 

Can they sense and understand what drives me as a person? Is it me “the parent”, “the spouse”, “the bread winner” or just “ME and My Passion for Life”?

I wonder ….. I really wonder….

Honesty & Integrity

Many of us would want our children to be honest and have integrity, yet do not want to take the effort to instil those qualities.

How many times have we seen parents make small false promises to their kids? I’ve heard parents say, “Let’s go home and I will give you a chocolate”, even though they have no intention of doing so.

Or something simpler where they will promise to take the child for a movie the next day, just so that they keep quiet now.

In fact I could go on and on…. I’m sure many of us could.

Now what happens when promises made to a child are left unfulfilled, what happens to his sense of trust and belief? How much is he driven to keep to his promises and commitments?

From experience I have seen my son tends to listen and accept when I say “When Daddy makes a promise, does he always fulfill it?” he doesn’t really have much to say, nor does he throw a tantrum when he is sure that what is promised WILL happen. 

This teaches him the importance and necessity of sticking to his word and commitments.

The other day while riding on the bike with my son, he suddenly started   saying “Come to your side, come to your side” at first I didn’t get what he was saying. On asking him I realised we had crossed slightly onto the other side of the road and I was on the dividing line. It seems he had learned in school about rules of the road and some do’s and don’ts. I immediately apologised to him and came back onto my side of the road. 

Now in this case some parents might have justified what they were doing or even mocked what the teacher said or just ignored the child and continued to drive the way they wanted. 

Any behaviour the child sees that clashes with what he knows to be right can cause him to question what truly is, ‘the right thing to do’? It then leads to a dilution of right and wrong in his mind and that further magnifies as he grows up.

What we need to ask ourselves is….. What value system are we nurturing and developing in our children? What values are we demonstrating? Are we strengthening their sense of what is right or diluting it?

Optimism and “Masters of their own fate”

When my son had just learnt to stand and walk…I saw him standing in front of a pretty high stool one day. I could see that he wanted to get on top, but wasn’t too sure. I remember saying to him, “you can climb and you will surely reach the top”. He looked at me and tried to tell me that he wanted me to put him on top. Now that was the easy option!

Instead I told him to climb and showed him where to put his first leg, next leg and pull himself up. With a little effort and a few slips and falls he managed to get up (I was there to save a big fall, the little ones I let happen).

On the top he looked very pleased with himself, but soon he wanted to get down. Getting down looked really scary to him and just then my wife walked in and told me to “Put him down this instant, he can fall and hurt himself.” 

I believed that as he had learned to climb by himself, he would do it more and more often and maybe sometimes when there is no one there. Keeping that in mind it was necessary for him to learn how to get down on his own. That way he is less likely to hurt himself when we are not there. So I taught him how to get down and like any good kid, he immediately practised going up and down a few times. Much to the dislike of my wife.

Now what would some other parents have done? 

•  Stopped the child from climbing for fear of him hurting himself. Told him not climb as it is risky and he can get hurt.

•  Picked the child up and placed him on the stool

•  Then lifted the child down

In doing any of these behaviours repeatedly in different situations, how does it affect the mind-set of the child?

•  Does he start doubting his capabilities?

•  Is there a chance that he will grow up unwilling to take risks?

•  Will he always be scared of falling and hurting himself?

•  Could he always expect people to do things for him?

•  What would happen to his Locus of Control?

Influencing people

How much do we as parents encourage our children to discuss, question and negotiate with us? I agree it is exhausting and tiring, yet if we do not what could the long term outcome be?

Have we seen people at work bend their heads and quietly accept whatever a person in authority says? No matter whether they agree or understand.

Where does this behaviour come from?

I believe it comes from the nurturing received at home and in school. It comes from how much the child is allowed to express himself and most importantly how we interact with him when there is a disagreement or a clash in views and wants.

A child always looks for a WIN in any discussion that he gets into, what happens if we do not give him that WIN and enforce our view instead.

A child used to a LOSE-WIN or WIN-LOSE during his childhood grows up expecting or behaving in the same manner when he grows up. This is better explained in “Transactiona

l Analysis”.

Do we:

•  work towards WIN-WIN negotiations with our kids

•  treat our kids as equals 

•  value and respect their views, needs and desires

•  discuss, debate and be willing to negotiate with them today so that they have the skills and the mind-set to be able to do it tomorrow

Do we introspect enough about our behaviours and actions with our kids and how they will influence or impact the kid in his or her journey as an adult?